Black Woman's Burden

I am streaming The Bear, one of my favorite shows. There is a scene in the fourth episode of the newest season that really kind of nails what it is to be a Black woman in a White-centered Society.

Sydney, a 20-something Black woman is unbraiding her extensions. I love that the show does not take any moment to explain what she is doing or why she was doing it. If you know you know, and if you don’t know, Google is your friend. In the midst of unbraiding, a White male business contact calls her and asks her to come by to see his new restaurant that’s under construction. She explains that she has to have her hair done. His response is, “Fine, just swing by in a couple of hours after your hair is done. What? Are you getting it dyed? You can do that in two hours.”

She sits trying to determine whether she’s going to explain (justify) her grooming needs, how different they are than his, why his expectations are rooted in his own cultural ignorance and assumptions, and the fact that it’s literally an all day process. (No exaggeration. I’ve done it and don’t have the patience or the disposable income to do it ever again.) She ends up doing what we typically do. She finds a way to accommodate him while also making her plans work.

Should she explain that not only is it physically impossible to braid your hair in two hours, but that the friend doing your hair is also caring for her kid at the same time because she is doing you a solid to save you money? That she has one day off which she is using to do her hair because going to a salon will cost over $300?

And, if you are White, how often do you have to explain things this personal to people you’re not close to? How often do people of other races make assumptions that your experiences or practices must be so identical to theirs that your choices are to rearrange your life or provide an educational paragraph to justify yourself?

“It takes two hours, right?” If the answer is no, there is an implied need for explanation and that explanation is not only laborious, uncomfortable, and othering—it should not be necessary.

The issue is that he assumes that he knows how long it takes for her to have her hair done while also knowing that her hair looks nothing like his. Instead of asking her a question, “How long will that take?", he tells her how long it should take us, as though it’s a statement of fact.

What he could have said was “How long does it take you to get your hair done.” She would have the option of saying “all day” or “longer than two hours.” She would be given an easily answerable question that doesn’t require her to educate someone else or justify herself and her grooming needs.

She finds a way to accommodate his request without explaining that his view of the world is based exclusively on people who look like him. I love the sensitivity the show applies to this episode, the first that puts into focus that Sydney is a Black woman working in a predominantly White male profession. It’s also a profession in which longer hair demands easy styles that keep your hair away from the food: you know, like braiding.

This is one small example of what it is to live as anything but a White professional in the US. This guy is not wrong for wanting Sydney to come see the building and he’s not wrong for asking if she can fit it into her schedule. He also points out that he is trying to hire a diverse cooking staff. I applaud his efforts AND he needs some Inclusion training to learn how not to make his Black coworkers uncomfortable. This also extends to his immigrant coworkers and other coworkers of color.

Why? Because it’s these kinds of uncomfortable moments that pile up until we resign to find a company or organization that doesn’t make us feel like square pegs in round holes. Does your organization seem to have a revolving door of Black woman employees? This is probably why.

I know this example sounds like a small matter, but it’s really not. When White people do this, and they do it a lot, it makes those of us feel as though our existence, our culture, our bodies, are outside of the norm. And this is a habit I’ve seen time and again among really well meaning White people, even someone who I’m close with. The intention is NOT to offend, but intent doesn’t make it better. Just because I did not mean to hit you with my car doesn’t make your leg less broken.

The assumption is that the reality you enjoy is what everyone else has as well. A strange reality in which our families must have grown up doing the same things, maintaining our lives in the same ways, sharing the same values and the same world views as well as the same information.

Asking about someone else’s culture, body, etc. is not rude. Assuming that you know someone else’s culture, body, etc. because it couldn’t be any different from what you’ve experienced is not just rude—it’s racist.